reclaiming my space.

grounding.  it is an all too familiar with term that i am aware of.

in the mental health world, it means taking a step back and realizing what is really going on.

it's not a heart attack, just a panic attack.

i have become pretty good at this, being able to step outside of myself and realize, the irrational versus the rational.  it helps me in a pinch, just to close my eyes and realize the moment is now.

essentially, no other shit matters.

but i would be lying to say it helps all the time.  i have to go into the bathroom at work far too many times and stretch my hands over my head and learn to breathe.  i have to distance myself from people and close my eyes and feel my feet planted firmly on the ground.  and sometimes i don't have that option.

you can't step away from a customer and say, "excuse me, i feel like I'm floating away."

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blog zone.

and then at the house, you have a screaming toddler and a 15 year old with loads of homework, and a grouchy fiancé who works midnights.  so, i have decided i have to create a lifestyle of grounding-- and it is a work in progress.

I know in previous posts I stated, that things don't make you happy, but creating your own space, even if it's a shelf on a wall can.  I believe material goods have their place, but I think an area of meditation, to call your own is important to mental health.

the first thing i did was classify my bedroom as my bedroom, i know i have posted this before (the family bed), but i am pretty sure it is the one thing to keep me grounded in life. sure i share it with a toddler, teenager, full grown man and a dog. but this room is mine at the end of the day.  and to keep my space as an area of relaxation, i keep it clean.  i make my bed, i started picking up toddler toys, put up laundry, i take out old coffee cups.

it may be a catch all room, but this will be known as my community space.

at night.  i close my door now, i can still hear Rae across the hall, but it means i am in my own zone. after 10pm this is now my fortress of solitude--no more co-sleeping.  if she wakes up, i'll visit to calm her down, but she has her own space too.

i set up my own blogging area, which is my venting area.  my creative space.  sure it has copies of Wallykazam! and The Walking Dead loaded onto it from my lack of cable.  but it's mine.  i painted the desk and used my favorite vintage chair to just make it look super cool.  and when i sit down at my cold piece of machinery, i know this is the place for me to process what is going on in the world.  my goal is not to fill it with distractions.  when I'm at my desk, it's just me and all my thoughts.

it's my eyes to the world, a place to fill this blog-space with audra-ism.  and it reminds me to keep on processing all this personal growth i am going through.

my dog sleeps with me, he spends all evening with me and sure he is a pain in the ass and licks my face at 3am, but he's comforting, and i don't regret spending the money on him, because honestly, i think arrow and me even have a bigger bonding relationship than that of him with the kids.  he's my little guy--i love my little cuss, arrow.  even though i think in his previous life he was a cat.

i spent about $100 redecorating, i bought a giant tapestry to go behind my bed and a half-naked Bjork poster.  i decided i wanted cozy instead matching.  i like everything in my room.  and sure it doesn't match, but in my humble opinion it looks hella cool.  i think the key is a crap-ton of fabric, i was able to repurposed some ugly afghan blankets to some awesome accessories.  the idea is-- you shouldn't have to spend an ass load of money to make it work.  your space needs to be you and i think having an area where you can always physically ground makes it easier for recovery.  we always focus on our inner being, ignoring the outside.

and when we do focus on our outer being we just look towards how much stuff we can amass.  i think the idea with minimalism, is just buy what you need, and make sure it serves a purpose

finally, i bought plants.  i have no green thumb, but why the hell not learn.  all my friends are sick of hearing about my plants, the new blooms, the updates, and pruning.  but they are mine they are not my children's plants, or trin's.  the sit proudly up near my Dolly Pardon poster.  my new area of zen if you will.  and i love them.  for some strange reason i just feel the greenery makes the room seem more calm.

i have these little bits of greenery, they don't ask for much, just some light, water and maybe a little food, and they do so much for me.

so, go out, claim your own land.  make it whatever, but make it yours