the poor life

I woke up this morning hungry, per usual.

I'm laying in my bed and feeling resentful because my body demands to be fed.
This leads to thinking of having to go get groceries and how fucking cold it is--and how I need to make a meal plan and a list and find coupons

because I have to budget our food stamps to the nth degree.

We are well below the poverty line. 

It's through the help of family we are really able to survive. Clothes when needed, help with rent, and help with car repairs. I've been on assistance (when D and I weren't together), and followed all the participation rules to keep it. That was many years ago.

Now it's food stamps and Medicaid. Of course I didn't have Medicaid for 2 years until the AHCA went into effect. Now I have it again and have been back on meds for my depression and ADHD. 

To bring income into our home I took the job as G's Nanny for the past almost 3 years while I wasn't in school and didn't have meds. a small amount of income from nannying is what the 3 of us have survived on plus help from family and food stamps. Why didn't I get a higher paying job?

because I had no meds for depression or ADD. Without them I have to have a strong impetuous to go to work. I sure as hell don't think McDonald's would fall apart without me, but I knew G needed me and that was enough to get me out of bed every day. also, higher pay means changes to my rent (income based) and lower food stamps. It's a huge grey area before i could end up on top, making money to have less to live, suffice to say. and my job history is shitty to say the least. When you suffer from depression keeping a  job is a special kind of challenge.

We've done without a lot of things. Our food stamps have been lowered since last year. Now we have less than $500 a month. So I have to divide it by how many weeks are in that particular month. Typically it's about $130 a week. Does that sound like a lot? $130 to feed 3 people in a week. 

Much easier to accomplish as long as Ava has school all week and is only home for dinner and doesn't need her lunch packed that week. Buying organic? Buying produce and healthy? Oh that's also a special challenge. That shit is more expensive than the processed foods that are readily available. I try to make small changes where I can so we don't eat total crap, but it's hard.

So here I am, hungry, knowing I need to make a plan for the week and a list. I dread it. I know that I'll spend $70-80 and it will still not really be enough. We will look in the pantry and in the fridge and feel like there's nothing to eat. And my child is picky. 

So I'll do my best with this list. Hopefully I'll resist splurging on ice cream or bacon. 

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One Week's worth

Post shopping.

I go to both Aldi and Walmart to try to get the best value for my money.

I made a list and pretty much stuck to it. It's sad to not be able to buy snacks.

At the checkout I am always uncomfortable. I have a smartphone (that I have because I'm on my sister and brother in law's family plan); It's one of my biggest expenses, but I rely on it as my only phone and everything else it does. So anyway--in the check out I'm always hyper aware of the people around me. I've read plenty of things on Facebook where people are blasting anyone with public assistance and a smartphone. I'm always paranoid that when I pull out my SNAP card that someone behind me will recognize it and make a comment.

I'm not one to usually care what other people think-- well, not strangers anyway but this is the one exception. This is when I'm acutely aware of my position in our society. Don't believe the lie that we live in a classless system, it's just not true. 

"Anything for me?"

My mother's family was/is poor. My dad's family was poor but some have made luckily it to middle/working class but no further. We were working class as I grew up..and I'm still trying to finish school and at least make it to middle class.

I've grown accustomed to doing without. New clothes? Every 2 years maybe. I've worn the same boots for 4 years in the winter. My laptop is 4 years old. My Xbox slim and TV? 4 years. 

We live for the little things. Occasional movie at the theatre, froyo at Orange Leaf, and out of town visits with my sister.

I rarely do things with friends because it usually involves spending money. Over the years I've become pretty isolated since I've stayed poor while everyone advances. I'm just not willing to get a job I don't like to make money so that I can have more expenses and more material things (more expenses). 

So this is my final go with school. I have to get a degree and join the rest of the middle/working class paying student loans, high rent, grocery bills, utilities, insurance, etc. 

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.