nothing gets crossed out

I'm 22 and I'm at my mom's place in the hills of Carter County, Kentucky,

Lying on my bed listening to Bright Eyes' Fevers and Mirrors,  again

Sunrise, sunset…swiftly go the days…

I'm alone. 
So very alone.
 So alone it's an ache in my chest. 

I desperately want this one person to feel the same for me as I do for him. To me he's all I've looked for for a long time and we have a connection, but he doesn't easily discuss emotions. If he even feels the same (I doubt it of course). 

Nobody has loved me back. 
They never do.

I'm fighting the temptation to drive to Ashland again. I don't know where he is or what he's doing, or who with. The possibilities set my mind racing and then the adrenaline rushes. The futility of it is crushing.

I just want to sleep and forget but I have no sleeping pills and they barely work anymore.

so you made me cum

then you sent me away

like a messenger bird

Why do I have to feel this so deeply? Why can't I be cool? I just want to play it cool--just…have some distance. Not be so crazy and needy.
I wonder if he thinks about me at all. He's the hottest thing in my life, the only sunshine. He makes me nervous and he makes me laugh. I just want to be close (just alone) just the two of us.

 
At a party he's the star. Drunk and crazy, he's the center of attention, which he hates when he's sober. I wonder if they all even know that this isn't really him. Do they care? I start to resent them all. His friends.

I just want to be alone with him, when he is himself.

But he's not interested in leaving. So I sit here miserable. Worrying that a girl will show up and he will have sex with her and put me aside. There's no commitment. I've received no indication we are exclusive. I just keep giving to him and taking care of him. I'm living with him at his mom's and she's great…it beats the hell out of being in the hills of Carter all alone.

But I'm still mostly alone. I have 'friends' in Ashland too. I'm not any fun though. Too serious. Don't drink as much. 


No job, no plans. 
No money.
The loneliness and hopelessness is crushing when the anxiety isn't raging through me.

from my journal circa 2002

Does anyone see me? I'm desperate for a connection. All I have is the music. As always it's there for me. As always it expresses what I can't.

so when I'm lost in a crowd

I hope that you'll pick me out

how I long to be found

It's 12 years later. We have a child, a home together and I'm still the caretaker.

He's committed to our family, to me, but I had to fight for every bit of it. No more drinking.
I'm changed from all that has occurred; Motherhood, being diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and ADHD, taking medication, and having to shoulder the responsibilities.

The anxiety never has left but got channeled in other directions. For the most part I am lost--distant. I feel but not deeply. I'm, frankly, scared to feel as deeply as I did before.. I don't like the girl we just revisited.
Who would?

Not to say that all that part of my life was bad.  I had good times with friends and I have memories that I like, but my 20s were the fire that forged the strength I have now.
So, yeah…

I'm struggling hard right now with depression despite the medication. I'm losing interest in most everything and this is bad. I have to succeed at school, I cannot fail again

 My self esteem can't take it and with my history I would likely not get another chance. 

It's serious…and yet….I still fight to make myself do the work.
Please please…let me find some strength..