the family bed.

i lie in bed next to my small human and read Goodnight Moon out loud.  we stop and make Hush noises when it comes to the part of the old lady.

this is part of the sacred bedtime ritual.  we take a bath, we brush our teeth (while sitting on our potty), and then we brush our hair, put on a fresh diaper and slap on some sweatpants and a tshirt.  we have given up footed pajamas months ago, when we learned that we get "hot feet" when we sleep.

the clothes are never matching (my family has horrible style), and we never put our hair up.  we lie in bed and read the same book every night before it is time to go sleepy night night.

and yes we have the most ridiculously embarrassing name for sleeping, but that's okay when you have children.  because the whole idea about raising children is pretty ridiculous.

every night it's the same book in my bed. my queen size grey bed has somehow morphed from being my place of solace into the dreaded family bed.  it's always shared, and never to be enjoyed alone.

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last spring my dream came true about owning my very own bedroom suite.  a late night ikea bender resulted in a bed frame, two nightstands and two dressers being ordered.  i was so excited, for once in my lifetime, i would own some nice bedroom furniture instead of getting hand-me-downs from relatives.  and it came with all it's lovely confusing as hell ikea directions, and it was week of agony on poor trin.

but when it was done i was elated.  i now had my own space that i had splurged some cash on. Rae was no longer in our bedroom, but situated right across the hall, and here was my bedroom right beside my own personal bathroom.

i imagined myself being torn away from the shackles of bed sharing and zane wondering in and out.  with Rae having her own bedroom there not be a need for her toys in my room.  it was going to be just me in my knotty pine bedroom, slowly sipping on a glass of wine and writing away on my macbook.  a place to lounge in my sweatpants after a hard day of work.  no children.  not ever ever.

i was dead wrong.

with the addition of Arrow, the Japanese Chin in September, i am never alone in my room. hell-- i can't even have the door closed most of the time.

my fortress of solitude has turned into a revolving door for my family.

trin, who sometimes works midnights is notorious for crawling into my bed at some ungodly hour.  followed by the zane's morning wake up call (he's an early bird).  Arrow strategically sleeping on the softest spot of the bed.  and rae waking up and refusing to calm down unless sleeping beside me.

my queen size mattress seems a lot smaller now. my large space seems to be a lot more snug and i look at my floor to find little people and bath toys strewn about.  this is no longer my own space.  this is now a communal area like the living room or dining room.  a place for gathering and making plans.  a spot where Zane comes in to talk about his day. a spot where rae cuddles after her evening bath, a place where trin randomly sleeps whenever he has time.

but i am jealous of Zane.  his room is situated at the end of the long hallway.  an area where tiny legs are not allowed to wander.  i wonder how well the family would take a No Trespassing sign on the front door to my room.

i have a feeling it wouldn't go over well.

but the truth is.  and i hate to say it--is that i kinda love my family bed.  i started sleeping with the door ajar so i could hear Rae in the middle of the night, but now i just leave the damn thing open.  i don't want one area to be restricted from my kids.

i love the feeling of tiny feet kicking me, i love the jingling noise from Arrow's collar from the foot of the bed.  i love trin sliding in bed in the wee hours, placing his freezing hands on my hips.  it's comforting.  my bed is still a place of solace, i just have to be aware that it's not just my place.

it's the family's place.

and i still sit in here at night to blog or read books and slowly drift off to sleep.  but my door stands open to hear the cries from rae's bedroom-- or to have Zane burst through saying he needs a ride to school because he's going to be late.  i have to accept that when you are a family, there are little to no things that are sacred.  your bedrooms are all shared. co-inhabited by all members of the family.

i think about older times--when everyone slept in one big room.  where it wasn't uncommon for brothers and sisters to share rooms.  when people were okay with sharing everything with the family1-and i am so fucking glad i don't have to do that.

because i am all about keeping my bedroom open for my family. I'm all about sharing but for everyone's sanity i do not think we could share rooms.  the whole idea of having Zane and Rae sleep in here just seems so foreign to me.

we are not that minimalistic.

thank god and goodnight.