neurons firing.

i sit in the shower and let the hot water run over me.  i swear i have the temperature up so high my skin is turning red.

it's the only thing i have preventing me from punching a crack in my tile shower, my brain is firing rapidly.

"you know what happens when you get a gaggle of girls together?"

obviously, we are conditioned to know the answer--that when girls get together we fight, but i don't think it has to be this way.

we as humans have the ability to fight, just because we are female has nothing to do with it

fuck hormones.

and these small but large chemical reactions that happen in the brain.  fuck rationality when it means nothing to the other being.

what does it matter?

my daughter comes over and gives me a hug, a hard wired thing for her to love her caretaker.  once you boil it down it all means nothing.  just a fluid flash of neurons trying to look for a way to survive.

flight or fight.

i don't know what mode i am in.  i feel the need to protect my loved ones, but i don't want to feel this red hot rage anymore.  i want it to stop running through my veins, but apparently the 600mg of lithium and cocktail of other drugs aren't working.

because i'm still feeling, and i'm still feeling what i would consider to be pretty damn hard.

i just want to run down the streets and scream how stupid human relationships are.  how we should be a self sustaining species, because i am tired of feeling.  I'm tired of feeling and I'm tired of all this endless medication and therapy.

i'm tired of going off the deep end.

and i'm tired of being treated as a child because my emotions are flowing out of me.  this is me.  i don't need to be chided.

my morning and evening pill cocktail remind me my feelings are not correct for this world.

because we started a blog, we started a blog on parenting and mental illness, but those who say they understand mental illness really don't.  it is a flash in the pan to make them seem more progressive

"it won't always be like this."

and what if it is?  will i take this lithium until my kidney's fail and have a muted version of myself buried within the soil.

one lacking the deep emotions she once had, only feeling "palatable" emotions for society.

a paler shade of who i once was.