on hiatus

you look off a ledge and see all the shit you haven't done:

the missed gymnastics sign-up for Rae
the therapy appointment you missed
the fact you didn't feel like eating dinner

and it adds up and eats at you.  making you feel like a shell of what you need to be.  and with all these things there is a tipping point.

one small thing that sets off the rest of events, one giant Rube Goldberg machine to fucking throw a wrench in your day.  and therapy says you have ways to avoid it.  being in the moment, breathing and whatnot.

until it happens and the wind is removed from your sails.  you are a sitting duck in water with all the anger, rage and sadness in the world.  you are a fucking cluster cuss of a duck, sitting in some pretty damn still water.

but reaching out doesn't matter, because once you have the label of mental illness that's the first thing they stick to once you decide to emote anything.  you are someone who obviously doesn't know how to regulate their emotions.  you let those get the better of you and refuse to remain calm.

i'm one of those people.

and for the past few months i feel like i have gutted myself and smeared it on my computer screen.  my raw and irrational moments for all of those to see.  how hard it is to be a parent, let alone anyone who has suffered any type of mental diagnosis.

hell. they still don't know what i am.

but i am a person being chastised, i am someone that people feel like they need to walk around eggshells around.  i am someone that people would rather not own the truth up to.  because they fear my reaction--hell i don't know if fear is the right word for it.  they just don't want to deal with it.

because it is easier to be passive aggressive then own up to the truth.

and no, I'm not perfect, mentally ill or otherwise.  but i am a human, one that does not need to be distinguished by her illness.  i struggle and roll out of bed and put my damn shoes or whatever on like everyone else.  and goddamnit i am trying.  and i'm sorry if i stepped on some toes, but i know when to hold off on my anger now, but i will not be treated like someone who is too sick to understand her own goddamn emotions.

i am trying and i know I'm not going to have the white picket fence and mini-van life, but to have the life that i want to live.

to be with my family and seek out what all this nonsense really means.

i'm trying so hard I'm shaking.

and tomorrow i go back to work, for reals this time.  and i think it may mean the end of the Partially Organic era.  because i see this blog different from others, and i don't think we can cohesively decide what we need to be.

and i need to be corporate world Audra. i need to be mother and Fiancé audra.  not anything else..

partially organic is officially on hiatus.  we will be back.  i just need time to refocus.