with or without technology.

I try not to be materialistic, but when it comes to tax time. it's hard not to be. I catch myself needing more things than I should and rationalizing what the children do and don't need.  all of a sudden my tight-ship budget is knocked out all willy-nilly, and we have a lot more expendable income than normal.

usually this is scheduled in for a major dig day or record store day for trin and i.  punctuated with ikea trips and couch buying.  but i don't need much this year per se.,

I'm debating on getting my 2 year old an iPad. 

and it's the never ending stuggle. of no electronics or buying a nest and digitally controlling my thermostat, of dropping down and getting a basic phone instead of my iPhone 6.

it's the difference between joining a commune or disowning all my vinyl and going digital. I live in this world that is devoid of electronics or obsessed with it. i have no middle ground it's one way or the other.

it's like Serena put in a previous post, where is the line between hindering my child developmentally by not letting her play with electronics or hindering her developmentally by letting her play with electronics.   yeah. I know that seems weird but it's the truth. 

I sit on the couch and sip a steaming hot cup of coffee and I see one of those AbcMouse.com commercials come on and I'm hit with a pang of sorrow.  am I hurting her by not owning my own tablet and letting her play games?  zane has a tablet.  why doesn't she (i dunno, maybe she's two!!)?

because pre-k and all that shit has nothing but tablets and squeaky clean new electronics and does my status as a crunchy mother interfere with her learning abilities?  does it really matter than i feed her ((mostly)) organic foods?

when will she be made fun of because she doesn't eat mcdonalds!?

I told my stepson we are going vegan 3 days a week.  trin looks put out by it but zane looks excited about making less of environmental impact. but the idea of zane taking a vegan lunch to school seems fine to him, and scary for me (what if the kids judge his lack of cheese stick?).  my ever approval seeking behavior signs out as a beacon, wanting him to just blend in.  just to be part of the crowd.

but I'm worried and I think about the pros ands cons of rae owning or using a piece of electronics.  I read an article about loss of dexterity with too many electronics, but I also read one on increased vocabulary?  when does this stop and end or is this banter back and forth as horrifying as the lectures mothers get when having a new born and faced with a laundry list of vaccinations.  

it feels neurotic and sad to be a mother. I don't know where the joy ends and the worry begins. but I'm exhausted in thinking about sinking $450 down for a new tablet (Amazon.com). 

my wireless sales person mentality won't let me get a cheaper one.  knowing that buying too cheap of an electronic just makes it worth less to begin with.

so, I'm here hovering over the buy now button. and I'm torn.  I don't know if I want to throw all my shit out the window and teach her to write in cursive like they used to, or just give in and buy the latest and greatest. 

this sucks.

and i sit and write this from my brand new iMac, a gift lavishly bought from trin to myself as way to keep on blogging.

a way to keep on having my voice heard and resonating with other mother's out there, but i know i will lay my head on my pillow tonight and worry about Rae.

and worry i am doing too much or too little.

but i love my new iMac.

i love my new iMac with the torn ego that i think any mother should have when spending what they deem as too much money on themselves.

but i'm cutting cable.. so that's $65 a month i'm saving.

and i feel my whole being start to rationalize buying more electronics--cut one to add some more.

this is the conundrum i live in.

do your children have tablets?