you are (not) alone.

I sit in the bathroom and get frustrated with my hair.  my no shampoo method seems to be utter bullshit today because I can't escape the greasy look of my mane. I take the time and put a little braid in my hair and pull it up in a messy bun on top of my head. I place a little black headband to separate my hair from my growing out bangs and start the process of putting on makeup.

i slowly put on my powder foundation and take slow and deliberate breaths.  i'm trying to center myself and realize this is just some irrational thinking.  i put on a small amount of bronzer and try not to focus on my hair.  i keep on focusing on the positives.

i peer out of my bathroom and see Rae plopped in front of my computer watching Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends.  i watch Trin as he folds the rest of our laundry and i'm trying to realize the reality that i'm in.  my vision starts to go fuzzy and i sit down on top of the toilet and try to wrap my head around the idea that my feet are still on the ground.  i haven't just floated away, yet.

and it's less than 70 degrees in my bathroom and I'm pouring sweat.  i peel off my work shirt and sit in my camisole. I look in the mirror and my pupils are dilated. my body feels like I'm moving 90 mph and I'm bracing to hit a brick wall.  I look in the mirror and I resist the urge to scream and run out of the room.  where the hell did all these feelings come from?  

fuck this and my fucking hair. 

and my good day of calling to cancel cable and working on my bohemian style bedroom has gone to hell in a total of 15 minutes.  today was such an amazing day, i was able to accomplish so much. but--  i'm stuck in an all-or-nothing rut.  i have been defeated and I have decided my anxiety is far too bad to put me behind a car and drive to work.

a rather large reminder of how my learned coping mechanisms from therapy doesn't mean I'm cured. and I feel defeated and angry and I just want to cry, but I can't.  I do the next best thing and crawl into my bed and meditate. but my slow breathing and mindfulness isn't helping.  am i that big of a failure? I call off work.

i want to stay in bed, i don't want to deal with this anymore.  i want to hide my phone and unplug my new computer.  i can't handle these feelings.

i don't want these thoughts anymore.  i force myself to call my mother and interact.  i admit i called off work, and look for some emotional support.  i realize she has little to none to give and quickly get off the phone.  i feel isolated and desperate.


i feel myself toeing the line.  standing at the edge of a fast moving river, waiting to be swept under.  looking at the water running by, simply waiting for it's cold embrace to whisk me away.

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this is escalating quicker than i had realized.  and i realize melancholia is now going in tandem with anxiety.  what a slippery fucking slope.  i reach out to my biggest support group.

my lovely blogging ladies from this site.  a group of misfits, dotted around the country with a major commonality of parenting and depression/mental heath issues.

we have a group chat. a messaging center filled with pictures of children and what's for dinner.  we get messages about spousal arguments and peeing in the potty and right now it's my lifeline.

who else can I message about looking at statues of Vishnu at 11pm at night?  or about this mental break i'm going through right now?  because mental illness is draining on most people..  but having a support group has probably been one of my biggest steps towards recovery.  

without them I don't know where I would be in progress, and it's great to have them.  it's great to know I'm not alone anymore.  to feel validated in my mission to defeat mental illness.

and it's an open dialogue. with us popping in and out of conversations when needed.  we check in when we can  and resume conversations started an hour earlier.  with an unstated knowledge that life gets in the way a lot of the time.

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but i'm still here and i lean over and hug my daughter.  i feel the vibrations of messages popping up on my phone as i let her hang from my neck.  i place my bluetooth headset around my neck and put the two earbuds in my ears.  i migrate to my new safe haven of my designated blogging area.

i'm not better yet, but I'm trying.  i have all these fantastic people in my life.  it's just hard not to focus on the failure that is in front of you.  just keep your feet on the ground

you are (not) alone.

and yes that is from Evangelion 1.11, but it is awesome. and oh, so perfect for this.