for the unappreciated mothers

they say a major depressive episode can last between 6 months to 2 years.

that seems like a little bit longer than I had hoped.  

but I have to face it. and take the good days with the bad, realize that some pill or therapy doesn't just stop it from going on. 

I'm either mother of the year or a pile hopelessly moping in the darkness of my bedroom. 

all or nothing.

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right now it's after 11 and I have my almost-2-year-old curled up in bed with me. I just finished smoking my hopefully last cigarette ever a few minutes ago. I'm 3 days alcohol free and a year and 4 months soda free.  

I'm trying to make tomorrow better, because today sucked. I awoke with the electric shock of panic pumping through my veins that even a bowl of cereal and some more sleep couldn't cure. 

I got myself in a state of zen finally around 3pm and decided I could finally face some parts of the world.  I crawled out from my grey blankets and greeted my children with the hugs and kisses they expect from a mother. 

my house is a disaster, a mixture between removing remnants of thanksgiving and transitioning to Christmas, and I yearn for my bed. I just don't feel like dealing with it.  

my kitchen aid mixer stands lonely in the corner, still torn to bits when I thought I could fix it. I feel the sudden urge to just pick it up and throw it in the trash.  just to get it out.  I look at the dog food on the carpet and want to scream, or cry or  crawl into a fetal position.  for those 10 minutes those things are the most agonizing pieces of my existence. I scratch my head and walk away to avoid from exploding. 

I don't want to be this way. I'm sick of feeling this way.  it's either a 12 hour work day and I'm golden, or its a day in bed with therapy and doctor calls and visits. we have no grey here. 

I'm all or nothing.  I'm the whole pack of cigarettes, I'm the whole 6 pack of beer, the whole season on Netflix, the not changing clothes for 3 days straight, I'm 15 hours of solid sleep or 3 hours sleep.

I have no grey area.  and it's really hard with children. I love my kids.  they mean so much, and I can praddle on like any doting mother would.

but then we have megablocks on the floor and a tablet left on the couch and a 14 year old that won't answer his phone. it chips away at my normalcy, hiding the dark void growing behind my smiling demeanor.

I worked so hard on Black Friday and the day after.  trying to make a cohesive life out of the fury that is Black Friday. but I find solace in the ability of not having to deal with my chaotic homelife. 

I cooked (with the help of trin) the entire thanksgiving feast. the turkey, the ham, the sides.  all of it. on Wednesday the whole family tried to work as a finely tuned machine to clean the house.  which gives me fits and causes waves of panic to flow over me.

my mother is our only thanksgiving visitor.  she sits on the couch, watches our TV and plays with Rae as trin and I work on all the prep in the kitchen.  

I go to work and a coworker asked about my thanksgiving, knowing I have the celebration in Columbus instead of Kentucky.  I tell her it went well and she asks what my mother helped cook.  "nothing.  I do all the cooking"

my female coworker looks floored and develops a scowl on her face. "your mother, didn't help you cook.  she didn't help you at all, but you are buying her a phone today, right?"

my face turns red as I realize how different the social norm is at my household. my blood begins to boil as I realize my mother did nothing as I am now committed to a 12 hour workday. 

I didn't want to come home that night, to see the mess and the grimey carpet.  but I did, and I brought my mom's new cell phone case and screen protectors with me. 

I take a seat on the couch and crack open a beer.  she asks if I can put screen protectors on for her. I decline. I just want to spend some time alone, and try to avoid lashing out at my mother.  when did this become "normal" when did I become the never-ending caretaker of my family?

because she did drive 3 hours to see us. I try to find some rationality of it.  she brought Rae some toys.

but I see it. I see that this is no longer a family put together by the unrelenting need to spend time with one and other.  no one wants to play board games with Zane, we would rather look at our smartphones than read to Rae.  Zane wants to stay in his room and trinity wants to take a nap.

it's just tradition, nothing else that holds this Thursday apart from every other one.  my Norman Rockwell family has been blown to bits. finalized by dusty shelves and broken kitchen aid mixers.  

I sit back and think.  no, I don't think work is the problem anymore. I go to work, and it's clean and organized and I know what everyone wants. and my work family is great. we help each other, we talk and we all around care.  my job is hard, but I get rewarded. with pay and with the pleasantries of my coworkers company. 

we don't do that at home. my mother visits when it's convenient and always advises me of the price tag of boarding the dog and gas money it takes to get to see her little granddaughter and only child. trin just wants to make sure I'm not on the brink of a mental breakdown before he takes a nap and Zane just wants enough time to play video games. 

my family is at the heart of a breakdown, and when I sit back and see the chaos and the disconnect, I feel I can no longer blame myself, because if anything I have tried my hardest, but I think it's easier for us not to try.  I am a depressed and somewhat lost human, but I refuse to shoulder the entire blame on my family's disconnect. 

I am here. seasoning the turkey and making cheese sauce.  putting away trash and glazing the ham.  I am here making sure bills are payed and the lights stay on and that Christmas and birthdays are in budget. 

but for now. I think I'm done with the "extras" when it comes to motherhood.  I will plan no lavish Christmas activities or Christmas breakfast.  because it's expected, not enjoyed or appreciated.

I will continue to love on my children, make sure they are clean and fed, and make sure thier needs are met.

I will not go out of my way planning extras and activities for a family that simply sees that what I do is required. because it's not.

maybe I'll be like my mother.  I won't cook for Christmas, and maybe we can leave the tree half decorated.  because I can't shoulder it all. and at this point I refuse. 

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the house is quiet and I lie in bed with my dog and daughter.  it feels nice to feel them both next to me.  and I feel happy about the time that I get to spend with them.

and I feel happy about work tomorrow.  and I feel happy about the mandatory overtime