apologies for being a jerk face

maybe yesterday I was a jerk face, maybe it was because I'm ((attempting)) to quit smoking. maybe it was because I was coming down with some ungodly stomach flu.

or maybe because I was a jerk I got the stomach flu.  but whatever

it's a new day. and I have been lucky enough to sleep this one away, through the body aches, the sick and the not smoking part. 

and it makes me realize how much I do love my family.  

---------------------------------------

at 8am my phone rings "Mamo" shows up on my caller ID and I automatically place the phone down and attempt to ignore the feeling of sadness I have.  my mom avidly reads my blog. and I knew what the call was about. 

I did one of the things that I do best and avoid her damn phone call for 3/4ths the day. I answer to hear how heartbroken she is, how guilty she feels and how honestly it never crossed her mind.  I'm crying and she's crying and I'm blubbering to the point to where I have to get off the phone because you can't understand a word I'm saying. so. we start texting and I realize she does love my family, we just get so caught up in everything else that is life.

I think I've not really sat back to see what I do have.  because it's so easy to complain about what you don't have. 

I have friends and a very small family. actually I have a small group of friends too, but I prefer it that way.

and l have my hobbies. like reading (even Lena Dunham's crappy book), I watch anime and cartoons, get my ass beat at Mario Kart on a regular basis. I love to cook and have Zane help as my sous chef. 

I love to help Rae do handstands on the couch and to watch her run back and forth like a superhero in the living room. 

---------

it's just I have good days and bad days.  it's something I have to accept. roll with the punches so to speak. but it's getting better.  I just keep on telling myself that. 

and I have my blog.  which I love, and I love the fact that people read it. it's a touching feeling to see reads from Austria, Ukraine, Poland, The UK, The Phillippines and Puerto Rico. 

because for some of those places, I know the people who are reading them.  long lost best friends and loved ones where contact has simply slipped through the cracks. 

others are faces unknown, perhaps going through the same struggles, or simply stumbled upon my page. 

because people do care.  trin cares, my mother, my stepson and daughter.  they have cared enough to go through the ups and downs of my mental illness. 

I just have to make myself get out of bed tomorrow. 

and I smoked a cigarette. it was glorious.