oh. but my brain is on fire with ideas and compulsions and things and needs and I can't stop.
it's thanksgiving and OCD time!! crowd cheers.
I'll admit that I'm pretty sure being aware of all this shit my brain puts me through is most of the battle. but my nerves feel on end, feeling the slow electrical pings through my body.
there is so much to be done, and the beautiful thing about OCD is that you can never just have 1 obsession. thanksgiving turns to-- Christmas turns to-- dog hair on the couch turns to-- there are old leftovers in the fridge.
it's mind numbing to feel like such an electrical being. I read a short story once by Ray Bradbury. I Sing The Body Electric!
it's nothing like the Walt Whitman poem.
it's about trying to accept someone who is an android as a replacement for a real person. great read honestly.
well, anyway.
I close my eyes and see synaptic flashes fire briskly under my lids. I imagine my microscopic dendrites firing in rapid succession. like a machine.
I feel my compulsion to go through numbers and check the gift lists and the dishes for thanksgiving. I feel electric. like waves of energy flowing through my being.
what makes me different from an android? my electrical misfirings and firings constantly causing me to be on edge or just remember to breath.
"this is your body's reaction. you are in fight or flight mode"
if therapy taught me anything it would be that i would be the best person to be with at the end of the world. I'd run from anything.
I'd feel the electrical pulses compelling to me run. I'd feel the adrenaline rush pushing me to go.
and now I still have that feeling, but I'm on my lunch break. drinking a coffee and debating if it's too windy to smoke.
I have that feeling about ham and turkey on thanksgiving. on cleaning house and prepping for the holidays.
my face flushes with tiny shocks.
i sing the body electric
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