code red! code red! all systems on high alert!

it's amazing what your body can do during a panic attack.  

at first my mind starts to race, everything picks up speed.  my skin starts to tingle and slowly but surely it feels like ever single one of my hairs starts to stand straight on edge.

the world gets blurry, but not because I'm not wearing my glasses, but because my eyes stop being able to focus.

and bam, as soon as it happens I slowly try to unravel myself, and peel my body out of its terrified state.  

I have become a pretty good master at killing a panic attack in it's own tracks. it is like some rare art form, on how to diffuse a bomb threat within my nervous system.  

my brain quickly realizes which cord to cut.
 how to prevent the explosion. 
                    red.
                                 blue.
                       green or yellow.
              snip.
                             slow relief.
                        body panic systems slow down from high alert to warning.
                         HIGH ALERT                            WARNING!

but one thing I have never been able to hide is my embarrassment. when trin and I first got together he loved my blushing cheeks. and how easy I would turn red.  i embarrass really easily.

I would blush over being called beautiful or anything really that was a compliment. my skin would just flare up into this vibrant pink hue at almost anything. if I got a question wrong, almost fell or just got called out on a mistake. and it still continues.

like today. I had a doctors appointment and had to take an extended lunch at work. I have a new manager, who has no idea on why I was on leave-- but when I was leaving he jokingly made the comment that I had to go to the doctor because I was crazy.  my other manager knows why I went on leave and as soon it was said I felt my skin start to grow hot.

i fling my hair in front of my face and try to laugh and not allow them to see my pink face.  i shake my head and make some corny joke about screws coming out my ears.  crisis adverted, audra.  you cut the blue wire, the panic threat has been changed to code yellow for warning.

i quickly clock out and head to the doctor.  and i do what i do best and dwell on the situation.  i let the thoughts simmer, and slowly start to analyze why i turned bright red.

so, inside my maladaptive, abnormal, anxious brain i start to think of other situations that validate the idea that i get embarrassed way too easily.

remember when you met the cosmetologist and you worried about your hair?

when that woman who did teeth whitening came in to work with you on tablets and you couldn't open your mouth?

how about that young mom who was getting her masters?

or the pastor who asked you if you had married?

so, when problems happen i ruminate and take these examples (no matter how far fetched) and combine them into an idea that makes me depressed.

i embarrass easily which is a sign of how worthless i am at controlling my emotions because of how embarrassed i got at the certain times mentioned above.

i am such a crappy person.

then my heart starts to race and i feel my skin tingle and my body panic system changes the threat level from code yellow to code red, and i start to diffuse the bomb.  cut the green wire and systems slowly retreat back to normal.

then i realize how ridiculous this whole thing has been.. how abnormal.

so is a day in my life. an endless page of seismic activity.  my needle is going everywhere.