maladaptive thoughts lead to maladaptive behaviors

I'm doing well during the day. my sleep schedule is fucked to hell due to my new concoction of sleep medication, which causes me to worry. worry about going back to work, worry about the kids and causes some pretty maladaptive behaviors.

I'm starting to use the word maladaptive and irrational more often because in therapy nobody wants to label you as abnormal. abnormal has such a big bad  connotation--so they like to label things as irrational, maladaptive and negative. 

abnormal is the one thing no one wants to touch. you like to think of it as having an "abnormal biopsy" or pap smear because the connotation is bad in an of itself.  the term abnormal lends itself to such horrible conditions like cancer, or some horrendous disease.

however, during my lengthy college stay and taking abnormal psychology I do indeed understand that OCD, anxiety disorders and depressive disorders are indeed labeled as "abnormal." so, when I hear those terms used, I cringe at the change of connotation, realizing said therapist doesn't want to go into the giant black hole that comes in being labeled something that's located in the DSM.. right next to schizophrenia and psychotic disorders.

but I'm there. I'm in the abnormal category, just coated differently because they see my diagnosis as "curable"--they just have to change my thought patterns. 

which I see as an identity crisis in the making in and of itself because I've always been known as the jumpy girl who freaks out about anything and everything. 

I've always been known as quite the worrier. I remember in 3rd grade I never used the monkey bars because I was convinced I would break an arm. I never did heavy drugs for the lack of being able to pinpoint my reaction. and mostly I avoid anything labeled as "risky." I was the girl who never chewed gum in 7th grade simply out of fear of being caught. 

so what happens if I take the worry out of my life?  what will I think about at night? last night I had convinced myself I was a horrible parent due to lack of being able to French braid. 

here is my thought pattern:

man I hope I look good for work on Monday.
 I should wear my hair wavy.
 I could buy a waver. 
 but that's too expensive. 
 I could French braid my hair. that makes it wavy. 
but I can't French braid my hair. 
 I can't French braid Rae's hair. women braid their female children's hair. 
 I can't do that.
 I'm a failure of a parent.
 what if I can never French braid?

and I continued on with this until I saw a giant red rubber stamp that labeled the whole ordeal as maladaptive and simply tried to store it away. but then it occurred to me:

isn't changing my thought behaviors changing myself? that's a scary fucking fault. but my giant red rubber stamp couldn't file this one away.. at what point does changing my thought pattern change who I am?

which is a giant conundrum considering the fact I'm not doing the greatest and I'm certainly abnormal.  but what part of myself am I losing by changing this? 

this is the ever ending question of deciding to fix myself. at what point does curing my disorder affect who I really am? is this a chunk of my abnormal thoughts that are leading to maladaptive behaviors?

probably.. it is a wormhole in and of itself.