i miss working but these lovely side effects are killing me.
i'm thirsty, tired and my skin is a flaming ball of itchy-ness. my mind feels like I'm in a fog most of the days, and wonder if these tiny pills in my hand are going to take away who i really am.
fear is a powerful drug, overcome it and think you can do anything. --bjork
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| Neurosis Only Attaches Itself to Fertile Ground Where it can flourish |
because i am still worried i am going to lose myself in all this mental illness, that what is going to come out is some lame-ass stepford wife. it's a very all encompassing thought. i have to keep on doing these things not to lose myself, just to lose the crippling part, not the me part.
just go through the motions.
new diagnosis land. lord, save me now.
but i can't stop and let this take over me. i've learned that stopping and doing nothing only makes it worse. i have to keep my self occupied, i have to keep moving, because if i don't the whole rut that i'm in starts tugging at my pant legs. i have to keep being me.
those who know me, know when i go in, i don't just stick my toe in the water. and i've thrown my whole damn self, including my family into the lake. and it is not just one project. i have 3 going on right now. and i cycle systematically from one project to the next.
((i've touched on these in previous posts, but i'm going to go into a little more detail on how and why these things are keeping me sane.))
plants.
every time i go to the store we come home with a new buddy. a new clearance little buddy who needs to be loved and nurtured and taken care of.
one little succulent has turned into a team of 11 plants in my house and one sweet potato I'm trying to coax into popping out some vines. they now all have their own potting soil, food, planters, and stations to make sure they get the adequate amount of light. my 20 minute daily obsession and another reason to get out of bed in the morning.
i gave it all to those little guys.
cutting cable.
my project of saving around $120 a month has turned me into a digital fiend, a google-monster of questions, if you will. with lists and numbers all pointing down to how much money i can save the family, but how i can also network my entire home.
my plant-loving self steps aside and i digitize my entire library and finally annex all my DVDs out of the house. fuck it, we are going digital.
i scroll through iTunes and find the best value packs of Rae's TV shows and make lists on what we need. i cross reference with Netflix and Hulu. i'm becoming a OCD at how much i can skim off the family budget.
i opt to buy Rae's new iPad over another TV. I just keep on trying to make sense of this all, another excuse to keep me occupied and connect with everything else in the household, another way to be busy.
the blog.
bless my girls (and now my fiancé, trin). and the work and hell i put them through to be part of the blog. the editing, the suggestions, the 2am messages about new ideas i have. i breathe partially organic, at any one point in time, I'm jotting down ideas, networking with people, or planning new blogposts. this is my baby. and probably the biggest stress reliever i have. i can just be a little too passionate about it.
we just blog it out.
but mental illness is a huge factor in my life, so i know there are people out there who are going through the same thing as me. and that's one of the reasons we are here, and one of the reasons we keep going
and everything i do, somehow ties back to partially organic
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
because when i'm not doing these things i'm one fucking hot mess. i'm a ball of nerves vibrating across the floor. loosing myself in all this darkness locked in my brain. the energy has to go somewhere, and I'm sure Zane is sick of picking up the living room with me.
i have to keep blooming, i have to keep planting and planning
new diagnosis land. lord, save me now.
but i can't stop and let this take over me. i've learned that stopping and doing nothing only makes it worse. i have to keep my self occupied, i have to keep moving, because if i don't the whole rut that i'm in starts tugging at my pant legs. i have to keep being me.
those who know me, know when i go in, i don't just stick my toe in the water. and i've thrown my whole damn self, including my family into the lake. and it is not just one project. i have 3 going on right now. and i cycle systematically from one project to the next.
((i've touched on these in previous posts, but i'm going to go into a little more detail on how and why these things are keeping me sane.))
plants.
every time i go to the store we come home with a new buddy. a new clearance little buddy who needs to be loved and nurtured and taken care of.
one little succulent has turned into a team of 11 plants in my house and one sweet potato I'm trying to coax into popping out some vines. they now all have their own potting soil, food, planters, and stations to make sure they get the adequate amount of light. my 20 minute daily obsession and another reason to get out of bed in the morning.
i gave it all to those little guys.
cutting cable.
my project of saving around $120 a month has turned me into a digital fiend, a google-monster of questions, if you will. with lists and numbers all pointing down to how much money i can save the family, but how i can also network my entire home.
my plant-loving self steps aside and i digitize my entire library and finally annex all my DVDs out of the house. fuck it, we are going digital.i scroll through iTunes and find the best value packs of Rae's TV shows and make lists on what we need. i cross reference with Netflix and Hulu. i'm becoming a OCD at how much i can skim off the family budget.
i opt to buy Rae's new iPad over another TV. I just keep on trying to make sense of this all, another excuse to keep me occupied and connect with everything else in the household, another way to be busy.
the blog.
bless my girls (and now my fiancé, trin). and the work and hell i put them through to be part of the blog. the editing, the suggestions, the 2am messages about new ideas i have. i breathe partially organic, at any one point in time, I'm jotting down ideas, networking with people, or planning new blogposts. this is my baby. and probably the biggest stress reliever i have. i can just be a little too passionate about it.
we just blog it out.
but mental illness is a huge factor in my life, so i know there are people out there who are going through the same thing as me. and that's one of the reasons we are here, and one of the reasons we keep going
and everything i do, somehow ties back to partially organic
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
because when i'm not doing these things i'm one fucking hot mess. i'm a ball of nerves vibrating across the floor. loosing myself in all this darkness locked in my brain. the energy has to go somewhere, and I'm sure Zane is sick of picking up the living room with me.
i have to keep blooming, i have to keep planting and planning
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