how the plague ruined my weekend.

it's 2:30 am and I'm far too lazy to roll my ass out of bed and blog on the new  iMac across the room. instead I opt to use my phone and keep my comfy spot in my bed.   moving does not seem like an option,

Jesus Christ, I'm fucking sick.  a breakfast at IHOP with my coworkers after a 7:30am meeting turned into a massive headache, followed by puking and the general feeling that my life fucking sucks at the main point in time.  i only ate oatmeal, I mean what the hell.

and by now I've had two posts now about vomit. but it seems to be a recurring role in my life right now. we have a lot of puke going on.

I go home and immediately call of work (sigh, again) and place a phone line to my doctor. the nurses know me by name. I'm that crazy chick who has to get her medication weekly. fantastic. 

but my slew of naps seem to be running in together, a half-awake moment followed by a few hours of deep slumber. 

the worst part is feeling so alone. when you are sick no one seems to understand you.  it's a wave of sleep or trying to get back to sleep because your stomach hurts just too damn bad. 

and I miss my daughter. and to cuddle her and get in the floor and stack blocks. I miss spinning records and dancing with her in the living room.  but I have this guilt of passing on this illness.  sure, she was sick in the beginning of the week but what if I have a different kind of plague.  some unknown virus wrecking havoc on my immune system.

but my doctor brings up a valid point when i speak with him on the phone, perhaps my crippling anxiety has now manifested it's ugly head into flu like symptoms. my brain leading on a serotonin bender and fucking with my all-mighty digestive system.  this could be a cluster-cuss

peace love and illness

because therapy doesn't help you descern illness from mental illness. and I'm a blob of a lonely mess who doesn't want the contact of others, yet feels incredibly lonely.  but joining the land of the living makes my body ache--but still I want some amazing form of human contact.  I want a warm body that doesn't ultimately remind me I need to go hug the toilet again. 

sadly, the two don't go hand in hand.  

I think illness brings out the worst in me because it amplifies negative thinking.  nothing like a good 15 minutes of hugging the toilet to remind you that you have a fucking car payment due and your stepson has an orchestra performance. 

and I'm here. and I'm lonely and want to be alone at the same time, wallowing in my own sickly disaster. 

because I'm miserable and I want everyone else to be miserable and to understand the horrible plight that i'm in.  but that is too damn irrational.

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illness be it mental or whatever seems to keep on getting in my damn way.  i want to be out, i want to cook, i want to hang out with friends and be happy.  i have been trying to make decisions on a healthy lifestyle and i keep on getting pushed back.  my new FitBit Charge health gadget is now running as a glorified sleep tracker, and measuring my steps to and from the bathroom.  i just don't want to be handle this anymore.

so--I distance myself from where i am.. i start using imagination and get lost in a daydream.  a place where I'm not sick and the temperatures are well above freezing. somewhere my non-shampooed hair looks even better because of the salt water. 

somewhere where I have the chance to be alone but I don't have to be lonely (i think i really need a trip to the beach).

and I'm slammed back into my bedroom with stomach cramps and tiny laughs coming from downstairs.  and i realize how much i miss my family but this sickly feeling is not allowing me to enjoy myself.

you forget how much it sucks to get sick, and then you get sick and remember how shitty it really is.

i'm just going to stay in bed, and hopefully dream of beaches and oceans.  not to be awake and feel stomach pains and constant trips to the bathroom.