It has been a challenge. To reign in my brain to focus on one thread of thought and unroll it into text. Part of having inattentive ADHD (-H) is that my brain is everywhere. I'm medicated but perhaps I'm just shying away from concentrating on any one thing long enough to be bothered by it,
maybe.
I'm going to dig down and try to give something worthy.
I was searching for a long time. For what, I didn't know. Not then.
It's been 10 years and I can see some things clearer. Patterns in relationships. I can do introspection, although it's been a while.
Here's what I know:
I have a lot of co-dependent tendencies. I need to be needed. I'm incomplete without another who gives my life meaning.
It began with D. He depends on me still a lot although over time he's matured and taken on responsibilities. I fear him being truly independent and what would our relationship become? Would he stay? When he doesn't rely on me? I shy away from pushing him toward independence because of this. It's unfair. He should have a full life, but he rarely brings up a desire for it to change.
(So I tell myself)
Then I became a mother. It was my everything. When your kids are little they depend on you for every day needs...the easy things. I was completely devoted and obsessed with being a good mom. (Hindsight: should have focuses more on eating habits). My identity depended on being a mother. Then A got older and her needs have become more complex. I fear failure now. I'm not a great mother to an older child....and the guilt is constant.
It doesn't stop there--D's family is another matter. His mother in specific. We are both co dependent. I'm far more aggressive and assertive. Overly so, maybe in compensation for the passive people I'm always around.
The past 10 years I've been needed regularly by his mother. Running errands generally....and then when she assumed guardianship of G I was needed to help raise her. I can't have more kids, nor do I want to, but I'm good with them.
It's been a battle. K (D's mom) is a good friend to me and she recently told me I've made a difference in her life. Helped her become more assertive and see herself more positively. But at the same time I'm still shouldering a lot of responsibilities for her.
Since she got G I've been the one worried about the child and making sure she came first. It's been hard because K is passive enough (and her mother is basically a floor mat) that inconsiderate members of the family take advantage of them all the time. It's been a major source of conflict between us. There are times when they might let certain family members come over during nap time, before bedtime, or when they are sick.
Shouldn't be my problem, I know. But I can't help it. I think of G. I think of her not getting the sleep she needs, of her getting sick because she's exposed to it, and it's all due to her not being #1. On a deep level I'm offended on her behalf.
I've cried, threatened, berated.....and it's made some difference...but then some other crap will happen that shouldn't come before G...and it begins again. The pressure, the obsessive need to berate and make them see.
*sigh*
Over the past 3 years I've wanted to just move away from all of them and their idiotic drama. If I could just get away I could be free of the constant wondering when it's going to fall apart and K will be shouldering burdens that aren't hers that end up being mine too. Because what she takes on ends up affecting me too.
So now that G will be in day care full time--I can disengage. To a degree.
I am hoping that therapy will help free me from shouldering all this. Redirect my focus to my family and school. I love K and G and K's mom. They are family, but I can't keep up with them and school. My family deserves a better life and a better me.
“Any fool can know. The point is to understand.”
― Albert Einstein
I'm going to dig down and try to give something worthy.
I was searching for a long time. For what, I didn't know. Not then.
It's been 10 years and I can see some things clearer. Patterns in relationships. I can do introspection, although it's been a while.
Here's what I know:
I have a lot of co-dependent tendencies. I need to be needed. I'm incomplete without another who gives my life meaning.
It began with D. He depends on me still a lot although over time he's matured and taken on responsibilities. I fear him being truly independent and what would our relationship become? Would he stay? When he doesn't rely on me? I shy away from pushing him toward independence because of this. It's unfair. He should have a full life, but he rarely brings up a desire for it to change.
(So I tell myself)
Then I became a mother. It was my everything. When your kids are little they depend on you for every day needs...the easy things. I was completely devoted and obsessed with being a good mom. (Hindsight: should have focuses more on eating habits). My identity depended on being a mother. Then A got older and her needs have become more complex. I fear failure now. I'm not a great mother to an older child....and the guilt is constant.
It doesn't stop there--D's family is another matter. His mother in specific. We are both co dependent. I'm far more aggressive and assertive. Overly so, maybe in compensation for the passive people I'm always around.
The past 10 years I've been needed regularly by his mother. Running errands generally....and then when she assumed guardianship of G I was needed to help raise her. I can't have more kids, nor do I want to, but I'm good with them.
It's been a battle. K (D's mom) is a good friend to me and she recently told me I've made a difference in her life. Helped her become more assertive and see herself more positively. But at the same time I'm still shouldering a lot of responsibilities for her.
Since she got G I've been the one worried about the child and making sure she came first. It's been hard because K is passive enough (and her mother is basically a floor mat) that inconsiderate members of the family take advantage of them all the time. It's been a major source of conflict between us. There are times when they might let certain family members come over during nap time, before bedtime, or when they are sick.
Shouldn't be my problem, I know. But I can't help it. I think of G. I think of her not getting the sleep she needs, of her getting sick because she's exposed to it, and it's all due to her not being #1. On a deep level I'm offended on her behalf.
I've cried, threatened, berated.....and it's made some difference...but then some other crap will happen that shouldn't come before G...and it begins again. The pressure, the obsessive need to berate and make them see.
*sigh*
Over the past 3 years I've wanted to just move away from all of them and their idiotic drama. If I could just get away I could be free of the constant wondering when it's going to fall apart and K will be shouldering burdens that aren't hers that end up being mine too. Because what she takes on ends up affecting me too.
So now that G will be in day care full time--I can disengage. To a degree.
I am hoping that therapy will help free me from shouldering all this. Redirect my focus to my family and school. I love K and G and K's mom. They are family, but I can't keep up with them and school. My family deserves a better life and a better me.
“Any fool can know. The point is to understand.”
― Albert Einstein
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