the land of the living.

i watch as my daughter endlessly climbs on her cozy coupe.

the red and yellow automobile has ceased to be an instrument used to move from one area of the living room to the next, instead it has been transformed into a utility to assist in headstands and different acrobatic positions.  i hear her squeal with delight as she wedges herself in between the car and the vinyl collection.  perfectly propping herself up on her head with her feet planted firmly upside down on to my C-F records.

Zane sits to the right of me quietly cursing out a level of Captain Toad on the Wii U pad.  and it is the normal hustle and bustle of the house.  Trin is across the room talking to me, and my phone is pinging--being flooded with the cheery conversations of the Partially Organic Parenting Group from Facebook.

it's an average Monday, with word of a snow storm coming in and blanketing the town by sunrise.  i've been out of my bedroom for a few days, which is a major accomplishment.  trin with his large amount of wisdom has made it damn near impossible for me to stay in bed for anything more than the required amount of time.

he won't listen to my excuses anymore.  the whole, "i'm having a good dream," or "15 more minutes," now falls flat on his ears.  he essentially tells me i don't have a fucking excuse and to get my damn ass out of bed now.  which means i'm not isolating.

i'm just sitting here in the land of the living.

forced out of my quiet hidey-hole in my lovely, ever-nap-inducing bedroom, to be firmly stuck in the living room (or kitchen or dining room for that matter).  and as much as it pains me to say that trinity is right, well--he is.

getting out of my bed is what i needed.  essentially, a good firm boot to the ass (along with medication and lots of therapy), is jump starting me into re-learning to do the things that i once thought were impossible.

in the psychology world they say that when you lose interest in subjects that previously pleasured you that it is called anhedonia.. essentially you don't like activities and people you once enjoyed.  and unfortunately during my major depressive episode, severe--i had suffered quiet a bit of it.

when in a depressed state the only thing i want to do is lie in bed, anything else requires way to much effort and/or energy to participate.

so, i'm here.  in the living room, but i still catch myself going to that dark abyss, essentially toeing the line and looking over at the black hole.  and i know i don't want to be there.  but it is so easy to be drawn in to what you know, and it's so hard to deviate from what you are already used to doing.

my little saints and saviors.

sometimes i can't catch myself.  and i fall completely down the rabbit hole. it's unnerving to not be in bed, and trying to integrate yourself, to be trying so hard to make yourself better.. and then feel the electric shocks of anxiety run over you. 

why hello there you old bastard--just couldn't wait to get started.

and you are jolted back into reality. with fleeting thoughts that seem to rage on with no abandon. boom.  your nice time in the living room just turned into an utter nightmare and your heart is going 90 miles an hour. 

this must be anxiety hell. population: me.

but even if i am far to gone, i can think--and think my way out of it, because if you catch yourself thinking thoughts that reinforce the negative thought you are having, you can reverse your thinking to challenge your current thoughts.

Dr. Seuss ain't got shit on Aud.

and thinking is what i do, i just have to make sure i catch the thoughts, and realize how maladaptive they really are.

I can't stay in bed anymore.  I have to join the land of the living, and i need to keep on unthinking these thoughts that make me panic.

Rae runs over to me with her juice cup in hand.

She shoves it in my face and asks, "Juuuuuuuuiise?"  i pick myself up off the couch and walk with her to the kitchen.  and i look down at her and smile and she grins back.

i'm just enjoying myself in the land of the living.