Confessions of an Introvert Mom

This is a post about the 'struggle'.

There are many parts of the 'struggle'. Biological and circumstantial. 
Bio being depression, ADHD, being an Introvert.

Circumstantial is living in poverty.

Wants struggle with needs. Necessity over desire. Staying true to yourself vs giving up on happiness in order to survive. The 'struggle'.

Right now I want to address the biological effect...

I never planned to be a parent. Even before I got pregnant I knew how serious a job being a parent is. I doubted my ability to be strong enough emotionally to give a child stability and material comfort. I was sure that of all kids I would screw mine up so bad he/she would end up a killer or something horrible.

If I couldn't have a healthy relationship, how could I raise a child?

It was a moot point, right? I was always so irregular with ovulation (a year or more between periods) that it was unlikely I could become pregnant.

Whoops. 

In the middle of one of my very unhealthy obsession/love affairs I got pregnant. When I was told I was shocked and afraid and amazed at the same time. I didn't think it could happen to me. The odds of me becoming pregnant were so low. For some reason it did, and it happened with the guy I've felt a stronger connection to than anyone before.

It's no fairy tale. He didn't want to be a father and I became determined to be a good mother.

that was a turning point in my depression struggle. Suicide thereafter was not an option. I had a reason to be around.  No matter what I had to stick around for my kid. My mother always put us first, and I would do the same.

6-7 months pregnant; cooking for my baby shower

Oh I wish I could say it was smooth sailing. That D and I had a good relationship from that point on. But that's so far from true. He didn't want to commit and wasn't done growing up. I was still an emotional basket case who wouldn't give up on him and who had horrible self esteem. 

So many unhealthy interactions took place between he and I through A's first 4 years it makes me feel horrible to look back.

I suppose there came a point when I couldn't live like that anymore. I got psychological testing to figure exactly what was wrong and how to fix it. I had tried Pathways several times with no real results. 

Admitted myself to the Crisis unit twice. Something had to change.

Finally, I had a dagnosis as Major Depressive Disorder and Adult ADHD (Inattentive).

What a relief. To finally know what was wrong.

I started seeing a psychologist outside Pathways and through trial and error found a mix of meds to manage my symptoms. I will never be cured. I will always have that cloud hovering over me...but I have a shield to hold it back.

Eventually D also grew up. Stopped drinking every day, and moved in with us and we developed a partnership as parents. Love isn't cut and dried. It isn't any one thing. Ours has grown and changed over the years.

We've both made mistakes. But it's our determination to be the parents A needs that was the glue to bring us back each time.

Each day, even with meds, it's hard to be the parent I want to be. I'm an introvert. I value time alone with no demands on me emotionally. I can be so distant it's hard to be present when they need me. Every night I am riddled with guilt over what I should have done instead of being in my room reading. Every day I make promises to myself I'll do more with A and really listen. And I let myself down. I may do alright in the basic ways of being a parent (feeding, clothing, school stuff, medical)...but it's not the parent I think she deserves. A parent who spends time with her and makes her feel special.

D makes up for some of my deficiencies...but I can't comfort myself with that because I know A notices. I know she wants more. Knowing that makes it worse. Sometimes I just don't have the attention to give and I'm screaming inside.

I am a perfectly good parent in most ways except emotionally. The older she gets the more aware I am of my faults.I'm more aware of the effects my distance has on her. 

She has trouble handling her emotions and talking about what's bothering her. She seems to lack confidence and I wonder if it's because I am distant? I tell her I love her frequently and give her hugs....but I think she wants me to interact and show interest in what she's interested in. That shouldn't be so hard?! Right? But it is. 

I am terrible at faking interest in anything. It's just not in me to be fake at all. 

and I love my daughter. I wish I could be as passionate about it as I was when she was little. When they are little their needs are so simple. But you can't go back, you can only travel the path ahead. 

Never believe that another parent has it all together. 

We all feel guilt about something.

*If you are experiencing severe depression and you feel you cannot continue, please seek help. There are people out there to listen. You are worth listening to. Your problems are important. 

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org