screw the jonses': how i am learning to drop my pretenses and love myself.

trin and i drive through starbucks and order the (new to me) flat white espresso drink.  i sit in the passenger seat while trin orders.  i'm feeling particularly emotionally charged after another draining therapy session.  and rae is home with zane, avoiding the blisteringly cold weather as trin and i trounce out to buy bread for hot ham and cheese sandwiches.

i can't shake the white hot anxiety feeling.  it's lingering with me like a shitty hangover from draft beer.

i was finally able to hit the nail on the head when it comes to things that are panic inducing:

extremely approval seeking, desires everyone to like and enjoy her, worries about what even a total stranger thinks.

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i go into my therapist's office this morning after my group session.  he goes over the progress i've made.  i sit in his office in a pair of sweats and a hooded sweatshirt, my hair still ferociously greasy from my lack of washing.  i'm aware of how crappy i look, about how unkempt and messy i must appear, and it's driving me crazy.  my leg starts to shake violently as soon as i sit down.  

"you need to figure out what caused a lot of this from your past, and then you need to learn to be an asshole, and be okay with that."

essentially I am going through a giant trial of exposure therapy--meaning i have to go do things that are some of my greatest fears, to in turn learn how to cope with them.

 here are some of the lovely tasks i have been assigned:

• go to a starbucks and order the wrong drink on purpose.  then have them fix it and don't apologize
• go to your favorite record store and pay in dollars
• go to the thrift store and haggle.

this, all of this, creates a large amount of panic that washes over myself.  i feel angry and idiotic with each and every task at hand.  I just want to scream, "My asshole therapist is making me do this, I mean no harm!!"  but that would defeat the entire purpose of the exercise.  i can't apologize or make an excuse, or run away.  i have to suck it up and do it myself, and accept that i am being a jerk to someone for no good damn reason.

i'm afraid of what someone may think.  i freeze at the utter notion of hurting or making someone not like me.

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it comes from childhood.  years of ballet, and gymnastics, cheerleading and soccer, swim and bible study, it comes from living in a household that kept up with the neighbors and church crowds for the first 11 years of my life and then having that whole facade drop out from under me with the death of my father. 

number 31 forever.

because back then we always worried what people thought.  we drove the best cars, mom and dad meticulously planned birthday parties and vacations. and after my father's death our "close knit families" seemed to no longer want anything to do with a single parent and child (gasp).

needless to say, the teasing got so bad i moved schools and surrounded myself with people who couldn't give two shits.  but i still did.  i still had this constant fear of people being disapproving of me.  and it's chased me my entire life.  even to my little home in suburban ohio.

this should be nothing new to me.  i feel the guilt of not realizing it earlier, and i read back at some of my older blog posts and wonder why the lightbulb didn't go off sooner.

it's been right in front of my fucking face this whole time.

so, how does one heal from a problem as large as this?

by doing what i have been doing.  throwing out epic amounts of shit, spinning Taylor Swift, not washing my hair, and obviously trying to get this major i don't give a flying fuck attitude.

messy hair and no makeup, for all the internet.

I'm the one who has to deal with myself at the end of the day.

and honestly.  i think it is working.  slowly, but something as grand as this needs to take it's time.  a schema as big as this didn't pop up overnight, and it's going to be a helluva time getting rid of it.

but, i'm working on it.  i've got to let this stuff go, or it is going to keep on derailing my life.

i remember getting my first job in columbus and being embarrassed about my car.  here i was, a recent college graduate, who escaped the gnarly bounds of Ashland, and a crappy relationship.  i was still driving my little VW 1999 Golf with 180k miles, and i was worried about what everyone thought.

i parked far in the back so no one would see.

H8ers gonna h8

i moved away with trin and his son.  i always thought my major reason for moving was to get out of the area, but looking back i can see i was running away. i was running away from those who hated me for up and leaving my previous boyfriend.  running away from the lost friends and people.  the easiest way for me to cope with my situation was to flee.  instead of facing the harsh realities that what i did to my prior boyfriend was indeed shitty, i decided to run and not face it.

it was the easiest way, and i still run white hot with anxiety when i come home to Ashland.  worried what people think of me.  worried what they will say.  and i need to drop my pretenses.  honestly, no one is thinking of the girl who dumped her boyfriend and moved away 3 years ago.


i need to tone down my ego a little bit.  and i need to stop acting in fear and accept that some people will hate me with just reasons, and others will continue to hate me just because they can.

and you know what? fuck you.

i'm just trying to learn to let what you think go.

and i am trying as hard as i can.