the (wo)man in the high castle

I sat on the couch this evening and played little big planet for some time with Zane. we had a good evening, nothing eventful, just low key and enjoyable.

after sometime of playing I felt my body spike with anxiety and then a wave of panic roll over me.

one thought popped into my brain and seemed to play on repeat.  

"everyone hates me."

my skin was essentially giving off a fireball of energy and there for 5 minutes I let the panic ensue and engulf me. I let my imagination run wild and I let my brain validate the reason everyone hates me. 

within that time i came up with a laundry list of reasons:

drunken fights in college.

texting feuds with close friends. 

Facebook arguments about politics and other dumb shit.

within those five minutes I was probably able to recall every single fight and argument I have ever had. I had flashbacks to 2nd grade when my best friend made a "hate club" about me where all my friends had to pledge allegiance to hate Audra. they sat up on the second story of the wooden playhouse we had on our playground and left me alone at the bottom. sitting quietly on a swing.

I was able to go through every time I had been rejected, be it a crush on some guy, or advances towards having a close friendship with someone. and I reeled and focused on the immense amount of pain that caused me. 

I quickly realize how irrational and dumb the entire situation is.  I'm just trying to sit down and play some video games!  my brain on the other hand is wired to try to come up with the worst case scenario.  a way for myself to build a giant fort around me to prevent anyone or anything from getting in. 

and my brain is pretty effective about it. at some points I have been able to build defense mechanisms the size of Castle Black in Game of Thrones. i imagine myself hurling down arrows and dropping cannon balls off the giant ledge of my mental barrier.  throwing out anything to keep those outside from coming in. 

I think about work and how I'm not there.  somehow able to convince myself there is some people who probably hate me by now.  

I'm just "that crazy chick that has to take off random bits of time off to try to keep her brain in check."

which is ridiculous considering the fact that no one that I really care about at my job has ever shown me anything but understanding when going through these tough times.  but my instincts refuse to listen, and my brain or the chemicals or synaptic flashes or whatever the fuck it is decides that I need to build a barrier in between myself and others to prevent myself from being hurt or upset emotionally.  I'm wired to keep as much shit out of my life as possible by preventing it from even entering.

which isn't healthy at all.  but I like the insular nature that is myself.  broadcasting it out here on this blog is hard enough, but in person I'm usually clamped shut most of the time.  I don't allow those in because I don't want the drama or the problems that sometimes comes with other people.  I don't want someone else's baggage.

which is funny.  I find that sometimes when I do allow someone to get close, I'll usually pick the wrong person, but for some reason crazies attract crazies and we tend to flock together--to create a friendship that is tumultuous in nature.  a friendship that is rocky because of the unsureness of the two people the relationship was forged between.

but I do have a few close friends. ones that short messages are sent to and from framing what's going on in each other's lives.  and I don't think I need much more of it.  it feels better to be left out in the cold instead of worrying about the crap that goes on with other people.

I remember an ex-boyfriend told me about a book he once read.  it was about life being separated into 4 separate burners. you could only really burn 3 at a time, but you could only burn two and be really successful. 

oh yeah.  it was David Sedaris. anyways. there is health, friendship, work and family.  and I've always imagined that friendship was my first one out.  something I've enjoyed having, but something I don't feel the need to put tons of effort into it.  

I usually only burn 2 burners.  

work and family.

but right now I am just working on family and health. 

and I'm pretty happy about that. and my mental castle is still in place, but not because I think everyone hates me and I can't let them in.  that's ridiculous. I know there are people out there that hate me, and if you do, well, thanks for reading anyway.  but I have a few sparse individuals out there that I do care a fucking lot about and they care about me in return. but other than those few. well, IDGAF.

it's because I don't want to deal with them. I don't want to deal with most people. I'll just sit in my high castle and play little big planet with zane.