ill communication.

I'm tired. I shouldn't really be tired since my day was a few hours of a waking panic attack, taking medicine, doctor follow ups and sleep that comes after having a "grand mal" panic attack.

I'm sitting in bed. curled up with one white and one grey sock, a perfect example of how unorganized my entire Friday has been. I really should be blogging on my laptop, but the idea of rolling over twice to pull my laptop off the nightstand seems like a worthless journey. 

I'm so exhausted.  and I'm reminded of the ups and downs of depression.  how a day as perfect as yesterday can be blown to bits with a panic attack that starts when you are conditioning your hair.

perhaps it started with my blogpost yesterday being deleted, or the normal run of the mill bickering at my work.  I have no clue.  I can't pinpoint this feeling of anxiousness. I can feel the energy radiate off my skin, as if pushing out from within my body.  my hair is all on end, my feet are freezing but my head is hot. 

tomorrow is a new day. hopefully a better one. so I am just going to try to recreate my post from yesterday. 

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October becomes the grueling uphill climb towards Christmas, and in the realm of retail, most of us equate that as pure hell.

it's hard to find a balance during these few crazy months, but honestly I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. 

I fucking love Christmas. I love working around it, I love the music, the cheer, the food, the family, and most of all I love Christmas morning, with my two kids, trin and my mother.  it's like Disney Magic or something. 

Christmas is a big time for my job, and most people's jobs and I think this is where I think life gets kinda hairy for the most of us.  everyone hates their jobs this time of year, there is never enough time or too much stress.

and if you talk to anyone from the healthcare, government, private, public or retail sector everyone will have a complaint.

and I understand and then I don't.  I think as Americans, or millennials we will  never be satisfied. we want the 8-5 the 5 weeks a year holiday pay, the job protection, the sick time, the maternity leave, the healthcare benefits and everything else that seems to come with "the dream job"

it doesn't fucking exist anymore. everything has been muddled in the works. 

you become a doctor to cure and help people, but you get stuck in the endless amount of healthcare paperwork and office procedures.

you flip hamburgers and realize that there is a certain bun to burger ratio the company wants, yet is simply unattainable to get.

you work for the government to realize the red tape is far to thick for one person to cut through and make a difference.

and I have my job.  to sell you smartphones, tablets, rate plans and the like, but to really break it down. my job is to "keep you connected," and to make your life easier than it was before--through technology and all the bells and whistles that come with it. 

I get yelled at.  I sell people stuff. but all day long I see pictures of grandkids scattered across America, far away from doting grandparents.  I see grown children in the military, and traveling abroad. I see retirees taking dream trips to New Zealand and India.  I see videos of fresh puppies and first steps. 

I am the one who teaches your great aunt to skype for the first time, who teaches that crazy chick how to Internet stalk old flames. I keep people connected. I help them realize how to make this large world a much smaller one.

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christmas is coming.  i have a countdown on my board in the hallway.  we all feel the squeeze.  to find the perfect gift.  to make sure all the bulbs are working on the tree.  to make sure everyone is connected.  which is what makes my job more grueling, my coworkers and i a little less friendly during the season.  it's madness, but i really think that the entire holiday is madness. no matter what industry we are in.

we all set out for a goal on christmas.  to connect. to impress. to show how much we really do care.  to make one day of the year is as perfect as possible.  and to trample on as many people we need to to make sure it happens.

so here i am.  your email works.  any picture you take will go straight to your iPad.  i'm just keeping you connected.  

to those you love
to where you want to be.
to those you don't want to forget.
to where you have to be.

I'm the modern day Ma Bell operator.