I'm trying to find the rationale of it, in some sick kind of Freudian way. to go back systematically through my life and create linkages to the behaviors and thoughts I have.
and no. it's not all dark.
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it all starts between a passing conversation with one of my good coworker pals. conversations with S and I at work have become almost an art form.
started conversations have to be picked up hours later, or sentences blurted out in passing, never somehow lost in the endless flow of smartphones, tablets and mounds of paperwork.
I run past S in the break room and quickly remind her to request trick or treat off. schedules are coming soon, and I see she's lucky enough to get a break off her feet. time to put in the request. S shoots her head up and questions what day the festivities take place. I prop the doorway open with my foot and tell her the 30th before i hop back out on the floor.
minutes or hours could have passed. and S stops me with her face buried in her phone pouring over the Reynoldsburg trick-or-treat date. she asks for a confirmation from me since she can't find the city's parks and rec website. I tell her I'm pretty sure and we continue with our endless shuffle.
at this point I'm pretty sure a couple days pass and S is lucky enough to sneak out the back and take a second-hand smoke break with me.
and we have a quick session. the quickest of chats. laying out birthday plans, holiday budgets, work schedules. in a seven minute period we manage to exchange ideas on Halloween, birthday parties, local farmers markets and pumpkin patches.
a wealth of information that's needed shared over the shortest period of time (around 7 minutes for me to smoke), but ample enough when you're a mom working over 40 hours a week, trying to cram in as much life as possible.
S has birthday parties and pre-k. and is still debating on her crafting ability (and time) to be able to put together a complex outfit from "How to Train Your Dragon" for Halloween.
I have homecoming dances. birthday parties and a Peanut's Woodstock costume for Halloween. myself feeling a little less overwhelmed since a 2 year old won't really care about the costume. or activities planned for her upcoming birthday.
S and I return back to work, and get greeted with no work to be done. I take a quick seat and look up at my boss who frantically checks his phone.
he opens up my locker and steals a cigarette before he tells me to clock out..
I make a joke that I'm taking S with me and the boss lays down her sentence that she's there for the dreaded 9pm shift.
it feels like an eternity for her I'm sure, but I make my escape and head for the car. I have a new 15 minutes of freedom that had been previously scheduled from my life.
and for 15 minutes I reflect. I put on some music and leisurely take my drive home. I'm in no rush today. I'm off work and the sun is still out. i have free time.
I come home and squeeze my daughter, kiss my fiancé and try to figure out how Zane's homecoming dance is going.
I take the time to notice the smell of strawberry yogurt in my daughter's hair. I take the time to see trin has a pot of coffee going. that he seems less tired than usual. I take the time to feel his scratchy beard on my skin.
with just 15 more minutes I could take so much more out of what I'm getting.
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