i hand the pharmacist 3 new scripts, and wait for his face to cringe. "jesus. you're about nuts aren't you.." i imagine him saying and i wince and wait for some judgmental remark to come.
he verifies my date of birth and tells me 30 minutes.
i run back to rae and trin so they can avoid the embarrassment of obviously being with a lunatic, and pull out my grocery list. nice and orderly. divided into the 3 stores we shop at. i feel a deep calm.
one store down two to go. i go and grab some fresh produce and flank steak. I light up that they finally have oxtail back. Oxtail is how you tell that fall is really here (not the pumpkin spice latte). I grab 3 lbs of the little bloody slices of tail and i feel a deep sense of accomplishment. under budget. and fully stocked with groceries. fuck yes.
it's the little things that can make or break you. it all depends on the comments from the pharmacist, and the glory of finding oxtail. but in my world--sadly one thing can make it all go downhill.
all-or-nothing.
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after our giant eagle escapade, we run to kroger market district to buy lunchmeat, waffles and cereal. i'm thrilled the grocery shopping is done, and on my way into kroger decide to treat myself to some afternoon starbucks.once the groceries are loaded up and my skinny pumpkin spice latte is in hand (yeah, i know, but i got 3 extra stars for it.) we drive back over to giant eagle to get my scripts. we pick them up without an issue, but as we pull out of the parking lot, my PSL flips over and lands in my floorboard, right on top of my notebook i have been keeping on my therapy.
my brain splits in two and i feel a wave of panic rush over my body. my hands go numb. my heartbeat quickens and i can feel the color leaving my face. i have all of a sudden reverted into a toddler with my language skills because the only thing i can do is bellow out a horrible moan.
it takes me a good 5 seconds to realize what the hell is going on, and by that time i realize how irrational it is that i am in a full-blown panic. trinity is trying to help me clean up and pulls into the get-go parking lot. i don't really remember what happened. just telling him i didn't want my latte anymore.
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i have vivid memories of my entire day. waking up late this morning. spending time with rae and our new dog arrow. what music trinity was listening to in the car. but for those 5 minutes surrounding the tragic fall of my pumpkin spice latte, i seem to only remember flashes. i remember the feelings, but not all the actions.my adrenaline was however pumping, and for some odd reason my latte disaster triggered a major panic attack. i was hit with some of the strongest fear i have ever felt. i imagine it is the terror one might feel before a car accident, because i honestly felt like i was going to die.
i go home and smoke a cigarette outside and try to calm my nerves and go over my irrational reaction to such a common mistake. my body reacted before my brain could even process the information going on.
and that's crazy. and maybe that's why i need 3 meds.
but i guess realizing it is like most of the problem or something.
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