fugacious time.

over the past few weeks, i would say i have learned quite a bit about myself... there is no denying it.  digging and scraping away at your own mental problems can leave you drained, frightened and lonely.

but i have learned a few things that haven't left me exhausted, whimpering and scrambling around to find a tissue box.  there are indeed somethings that i actually do kinda well. 

/gasp

which is crazy in and of itself, because my mentality a month ago was that the existence of aud was merely as important as a wilted spinach leaf accidentally left in the kitchen after dinner.  i was a simple remnant of something that had been much larger and more important.

but i digress, enough about my major depressive episode, severe ..as the paperwork calls it.

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there is a time, between the hours of 10pm to bedtime for 5 days a week that i stop from being anything.

i am not a mother, a daughter, lover, fiance, best friend, coworker, employee, stepmother.

i am aud.. and at this time i do aud things (ahaha, made a pun).  i block out laundry, and dirty dishes.  i refrain from anything that ties me to those other obligations of this world.  i am my own person.  it's my transient time. my twilight hour--if you will.

which from what i have learned in therapy is a pretty big fucking deal.

before rae was born i threw down the law, with trin.  actually, it wasn't like that at all.  it was more of a conversation and such, about personal beliefs and what to do when the baby actually arrived.  and i decided that i was never not going to be my own person.  there would always be boundaries, between myself and motherhood, parenting, loving, caring and all of those fancy words that describe what i do.  i promised myself, and trin that i could never lose contact with my own self in sacrifice for someone or something else.

i guess in the realm of psychology they call it codependency or enmeshment.  essentially you get yourself so tangled up and wrapped around another human being that you do indeed lose yourself.  so, when other person leaves, or moves on, the partner in the enmeshed relationship is left as a shell.

they lose validation for their own existence.  which sadly, i know i have done in the past, and decided that it's not a way to live, and i have strict boundaries between me and everyone and everything else.  but that's another story for another time, kiddos.

i do my own thing, and during my twilight hour, i hole up in by bedroom, and do things that only audra wants to do. because you need an identity outside of your kids. your family.  your lover.  your online persona.

and i think it is a lost art in today's society.  to let people do their own thing, and to learn how to be completely comfortable just being alone.  to sit in a room. and not talk. not text. or facebook. or instagram. learn how to sit and be in your own brain.  we are addicted to constantly being with someone or the simulation of being with someone i.e. phone calls, text etc. 

so at the end of the day it is hard to distance yourself from: your child, your lover, your mother, your friend or even your fucking internet personality.  because it is ALWAYS THERE.  you always have access.. it's just a click or a drive away.  it's like an addiction to not have to face yourself.  

so you don't have to really look inward and see who you are, without all the other attachments, and whatnots.  it's kind of like avoiding the issue of actually having to face yourself.

and i don't do anything special.  i'll take an extra long shower or bath and listen to music.  maybe finish a book and then counteract any knowledge i did gain by watching True Blood.  might do some yoga.  i'll maybe blog.

but it's just me in my own thoughts.  my own ideas.  my own little ramblings.  and i love and own that time.

if you look and say the word own too many times it seems like a really stupid word.

but whatever.

so, yeah get some "me time" or whatever the hell you want to call it.  and be your own person.  you don't always have to be there for someone else.  you just always have to be there for yourself.

i also now see a fallacy, that i am taking up my own personal time to talk about things other than myself.  which i usually see as something i shouldn't do, but i've been planning out this blogpost all damn day.

and it's still not as good as the last post.  but i have to be okay with that.

i have to be okay with myself.