i play different "what-if" scenarios and plan the possible outcomes. needless to say, it is not healthy.
i will sit and think of different scenarios for customer facing situations at work and think of the endless possibilities. like what if we get robbed? what if someone punched me in the face? what if my boss decided to fire me? it plays on repeat. progressively getting weirder and more irrational.
but i keep on thinking them before i realize how irrational they really are. my mind gets stuck in an endless loop.
what if rae got childhood leukemia? what if zane got hit by a car? my thoughts become more morbid and i begin to panic. at this point i usually climb out of bed, smoke a cigarette and try to do some reading.
but the thoughts usually don't stop. i'll pick up my phone or laptop and quickly google the chances of childhood leukemia-- and the warning signs. i'll creep into rae's room to make sure she's okay. deep breath. she's breathing and cuddling her woodstock bird.
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when you become a parent everyone always tells you how much you'll worry and analyze, but no one tells you how out of hand it can become.
i'm at the "what came first the chicken or the egg," part of my OCD diagnosis.
is this all postpartum bullshit? or is this something that is just amplified because i have a curly haired little monster to worry about?
the thoughts come in waves, and usually they come in without reason or announcement. sometimes i feel like people don't think i'm really listening to them, because an intrusive thought has popped into my brain for no good reason. they are like little ugly groundhogs waiting to ruin my train of thought of conversation at any one moment. they gobble up whatever conversation i'm in and cause my thought process to completely derail.
"What if mom was in a car wreck? how and the hell would i get the time off work?"
little assholes that they are.
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