OCD parenting and working

i become fixated on one thing.

then i can't let it go.

like back to school shopping.  i spent hours pouring over zane's list to make sure he would be the super nifty (and spiffy) looking kid.

but i have a problem.  his school list isn't clear enough for me.

does he need a t9 graphing calculator or is his nexus 7 tablet enough?  how much graphing paper it too much?  i watch him go over the list with me.  he becomes stressed and i begin to wonder, if he's having issues too, or if it's just a little too much aud rubbing off on the poor fellow.  he's trying to make decisions on ink pens and i feel myself growing anxious because he is leaning towards a brand that i don't think write well enough.

obviously his teachers are OCD too because i have never seen some sections be so precise and others be so muddled.

honestly, does he need a total of like 48 pencils?

i explain my case on ink pens and we move on.  he is chummy with me.  each of us carrying starbucks cups in walmart, and we awkwardly push the cart together, looking for his father and sister in the grocery area.  i have a high like super-mom.  i'm easing this kid's worries, by taking out my OCD behavior on his shopping list.  i meet with trin and pick at my head.  i have a large scab on the back left part of my head.  i stroke around the area, and feel a great calm.  i just can't rip it off because that would result in huge red streaks in my blonde hair.

i let trin take over groceries.  which indeed freaks me the hell out.  that someone is not going to have enough cheese sticks or cereal to make it through two weeks. but he rubs my hair, gives me a coy smile and assures me he can handle our family grocery list.

he knows what we like and what we need and knows that i have another object to tackle in my brain

work.

we have a contest.  and guess who is number 5 and needs to be number 4 to get recognition?

this chick.  so i spent 4 hours of my day off at work, fretting over making that list.  my boss hugs me, i don't know if it is because i am doing a good job or because i'm physically obsessing.  cold calling customers, silently panicking that i'm just not good enough.  i feel if i don't make the list i will never be promoted. irrationality at it's finest.

8 rolls around and i'm done.  i don't know if did it or not.  trin picks me up and i am overwhelmed with guilt over my children.  i didn't spend enought time with them.

i spent 4 hours of my day off without them for my own selfish needs.

i hug Rae.  and head to the back porch to smoke.  i feel dizzy and angry at trying to fufilll my own needs and having children.

i scratch my ankles.  i feel the skin flake and i take a drag of my cigarette.