falling back in the corporate grind.

fitter, happier, more productive.

it's 7:30am and i have a bowl of cereal in my face.  along with a handful of pills i have no desire to take.  i realize i don't have enough milk in my mouth and crack my lithium pill in half, this creates a silent 3 minute panic in my brain. "i just killed myself."

it's morning and you have to go to work.  your mother is watching she came in town.  now, get in the shower.

and so i do, and fake-wash my hair and shave only the necessities of my armpits and legs.  this all seems so routine. face washing, all the nasty crevices, and i throw on my robe and put on my clothes i had laid out the night before.  i seem so prepared for someone who didn't sleep until 3am the night before.  i have to wake up.  i have to see this day in all it's glory, but the coffee isn't ready quick enough.  i'm frantic with a cigarette in my mouth outside and a hand straightening my underwear in the other.

welcome to corporate america.

and i'm stressing, but according to the clocks i am running on time, but this is not the normal wakeup routine.  i used to be able to wear my sweatpants without makeup to therapy.  but i make it, and i get my coffee and walk slowly into the store avoiding the ice on my way in.

i go in an try to find my locker, and find I've been bumped to the bottom row with a new locker combination. but I still manage to quickly put away my things away and act like i am busy on the computer checking my email.  I have to get into this routine.  my manager comes and sits beside me.  I frantically feel the need to be more productive that I already am and do my new trainings and check email in tandem. 

2 of my other coworkers come in and ask me what happened to Partially Organic.  I groan and pretend to check my email.

i'm back in the real world.  the old 9-5 and punching the clock.  how strange.  the safe place i once had is filled with corporate america.

but yet i feel a solace in my place.  away from family, from friends, from societal pressures.  at work i am who i need to be.

but with new coworkers and management, I'm again stuck at the bottom of the totem pole. no one knows me or what I am capable of. I have to prove myself, yet again. 

yet, i still come home.  and I am elated to be off work to see my family.  but my cheery idea of what the family has been up to does not come into fruition.   i come home to the chaos of Rae with duplos all over the floor and zane with a shitton of homework.  but i'm here.  and i managed to grab rae's clearance clothes from target before i get in the door.

but i am not welcome.  trin is exhausted and we start to fight. but not in normal adult tones, but in those of hushed voices not to let the kids hear.  the fights parents have when they want to not worry thier children. 

we end up in an all out low-voices brawl.  of silently closing doors and yelling with silent mouths.

we decide to go outside.

i put on a pair of house shoes and walk outside to partake in a smoke.

but i slip, and i go flying into the clutches of tin's arms.  it was all patrick swayze-ish.

and at that moment i melted, and removed the ideas of being mad over clothes shopping and the tenderness of the bok choy.  I forgot about proving myself at work and duplo blocks  because he held me and at that moment i knew i was his and nothing else mattered.

we are a family through the roses and the shit.  it'll never be perfect. 

and then my toes hurt really bad