not otherwise diagnosed

i went to the doctor today.  a normal visit in my not so normal life, another questionnaire about my personality and why i think the way i do.  a brief summary of your life in short yes or no answers.

again i am far away from being labeled as normal.  but I'm trying.  the giant red stamp of mental illness is weighing heavy on me.  some diagnosis have more negative connotation than others

and i have a new label after the few i have been through.

borderline personality disorder.

aka, i'm a manipulative bitch who is self serving in each and every way.  but i'm not.  i'm sitting here gushing at the computer with tears in my eyes trying to make sense of the world.

and i'm sorry if this is too raw.

i do not know where i end and my mental illness begins, or is this just who i am?

i go to the store and buy a giant terrarium and small succulent plant to go on my new area of zen.  i feel a small bit of relaxation within the depth of the leaves.

but that passes.

i think about who i am and how self serving i can be. i think about dressing my daughter in cute outfits before we go to the hip new record store and making sure Zane looks appropriate for school--what is me?

is this me that is making this decision or is it my mental illness?  was my purchase of an iMac excessive spending or just a normal purchase?

who am i?  is there really a person inside there?

is the cleverness that seeps through my writing just a giant side effect of illness?  am i a bland housewife on the inside? do my ideas of open relationships come from my lack of self esteem?

or is this who i really am.

maybe i will never know.  this fine line of personality blended with my idea of mental illness.  i have no beginning and end.  i am a woman who probably suffers from borderline personality disorder.

which means, i'm manipulative, sexually charged and charismatic.  i'm the center of attention and usually pretty entertaining to be around.  but how can you classify one's own personality as a major mental illness?

maybe i don't want to change.  i enjoy the elated feeling i have on a good day, and wallow in heartache on others.  what is so bad about feeling so much?  i don't want to be blunted.

it is true i shut down when my emotions get too hard, a small problem i face when things get too tough.  but maybe that's me and not the BPD speaking.  where is audra in all of this? perhaps, the shutting down is just me, a way of coping with shit that is way too hard.

and we may never know.  i opened trin up to my ideas of bisexuality, which is a very rough thing to place on the internet.  so, here it is.  i'm bisexual.  interested in both sexes and worried what strange fog this will place on my daughter and son.

no one really wants to talk about it.

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i hug my stepson goodnight and kiss my daughter goodnight--, trin and i go out for the first time in one year to meet another couple and socialize, i put on my dark black eyeliner and feel the awkwardness of holding the brush in my hand.  i throw on clothes that make me look like an adult with shape.

i take a deep breath and head out the door, unknowing if these are my own desires, or my illness.

throw your keys in the bowl.